I saw a Starbucks billboard that said something like, “FACT: Starbucks is the biggest purchaser of Fair Trade Coffee. Does that make us better? A little.”
At first I was impressed because hey, good job Starbucks! But then I realized they’re a huge corporation, a giant among all companies, surely a sun-eclipsing behemoth among their coffee competitors, so obviously they’re the biggest purchaser of fair trade coffee, even if they never made a conscious decision to do so. Starbucks, you can’t just go around posting things that sound impressive but come about naturally when you’re a big company. You might as well post a billboard saying, “FACT: Starbucks owns the most toilet plungers of any coffee company. Does that make us plungier? A little.”
Of course, this is only one way to mislead the masses with oblique but true statements. It’s like my grandfather always says, “FACT: more than half of the aliens in the movie Aliens were done with special effects.” It’s true, of course, but this framing implies that there’s a subset of aliens that are real. (wake up, Grandpa! They’re just puppets!)
And to all the single ladies reading this…
FACT: my penis is between 0 and 13 and a half inches in length.
According to my friend’s vague pseudo-understanding of Catholicism, it’s important to hold on to your virginity if you want to become a female saint. For example, St. Catherine decided that she didn’t want an Earthly husband, so she had a vision where she went up in the sky to heaven and married the infant baby Jesus.
I bet all the Roman peasants were really annoyed after that happened, because they’d be on their fourth date with her, getting all frisky and what not, and she’d stop the action.
Catherine: “We can’t. I’m saving myself for the infant baby Jesus.” Roman: “What?” Catherine: “Sorry.” Roman: “Wait. Saving yourself for what?” Catherine: “You and I– we can’t have sex.” Roman: “Because of…” Catherine: “The infant baby Jesus.” Roman: “…” Catherine: “We’re married.” Roman: “You have an infant baby husband?” Catherine: “Infant baby JESUS husband, so….” Roman: “But… he’s a baby.” Catherine: “We’re married.” Roman: “You can’t marry a baby.” Catherine: “Well I had a vision, so…” Roman: “But you can’t have sex with an infant baby.” Catherine: “Not till I get to heaven, no.” Roman: [Sigh] Catherine: “I mean, you’re really nice and all…” Roman: “Shut up. I just want to be absolutely clear on this: you’re telling me that we can’t have sex tonight, after I took you out to the coliseum, on this, our fourth date… because you’re saving your virginity until you get to heaven… so you can have sex with… the infant baby Jesus.” Catherine: “Correct.” Roman: “…” Catherine: “I should have told you this up front.” Roman: [Sigh] Catherine: “What should we do?” Roman: “Ok. Ok. Um… what about, like… a handey?” Catherine: “I don’t think so, no.” Roman: “I just remembered I have to work on the aqueduct tomorrow morning, really early. So you should, um… you should probably go.”
Yowza. No wonder Emperor Maxentius chopped off her head. Am I right, fellas?
One way to think about perspective is to say, “What would an alien think of this?” For example, if an alien came into my bathroom and watched me brush my teeth, I bet it would wonder if the toothbrush was cleaning my teeth, or if my teeth were cleaning the toothbrush. It would have no way of knowing which point of view was correct. Unless the alien were a dentist alien, then it would probably know.
When I’m the extra person on someone else’s date, I can never remember if I’m the “third wheel” or the “fifth wheel.” I guess it depends on their vehicle of choice. I wonder if truckers opt for the seldom-used “nineteenth wheel.”
Tonight I accidentally watched So You Think You Can Dance. After one of the really dramatic performances, the girl judge was so overcome with emotion that she literally cried. And then, through the tears, she said in a super-sarcastic voice, “Well that was the worst dance of the night,” and everyone in the audience laughed, and then she leaned into her microphone and yelled, “NOT!”
It’s like, dude, we got it the first time. Your addendum is completely unnecessary.
I was with my friend and we saw a bunch of brooding goth teenagers. My friend said, “I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. People would be like, ‘You look completely appropriate–not lonely or sad at all.’”
Don’t get me wrong. I think The Onion is funny. I think Man Walks On The Fucking Moon is genius. But here’s one thing I don’t like about The Onion: I don’t like reading it and feeling like I’ve been ripped off.
This week’s Onion has not one but two pieces that bear a striking resemblance to things I’ve written. I’m not saying they’re stolen. Actually I am saying they’re stolen, because seriously–two in the same week?–but hey, you be the judge:
Have you ever looked at a cat and wondered, “Where did you come from?” More specifically, have you ever wondered, “I wish someone would explain where you came from… in a long and boring 6 page article?” Your wish is about to true!
Fact: One theory says that cats actually chose to live among people for reasons entirely beneficial for the cats themselves. In other words: they domesticated us.
My take on the issue? Since they were domesticated for no particular reason, I’ll make the case that their sole evolutionary purpose is to be hilarious on youtube.
Posted by spoonito 
Posted by spoonito 
Posted by spoonito 
