Breakfast of Champions

Why is it that when a boy eats Cookie Crisp cereal, he’s starting his day off right, but when a man eats Double Stuf Oreos in bed at 8:00 AM while watching Futurama, he’s not? I mean, are cookies an acceptable breakfast or aren’t they? Get it together, society!

Thanksgiving, According to a Three-year-old

Take a deep breath and say it with me: kids say the darndest things. Ask anyone you meet on the street, ask them what kids say, and by-gum they’ll tell you, “Kids say the darndest things. Now who wants some Jello Kodak color film chocolate puddingpops RUDYTHEO!?” (note: this presupposes you’ve bumped into Kids Say The Darndest Things host Bill Cosby.) Now what these kids say, they usually fall into familiar patterns. Sometimes kids say the darndest things because of simple mispronunciation. Bil Keane prints his own money by having those Family Circus fuckers say “Hamgurber” instead of “Hamburger.” Other times, kids say the darndest things by breaking social conventions, revealing things they shouldn’t: “Da-da loves whores.” But sometimes there is no explanation. Sometimes kids are just-well, let’s put it this way… here is the story of Thanksgiving, as told to my sister by a three-year-old:

“A long time ago, before dinosaurs, Indians roamed the Earth. They had horses. One time they kicked them. That was the first Thanksgiving.”

The Art of the One-Sentence Conclusion

Since I haven’t updated for a while, I’m just going to post another high school English assignment that I found on my computer. This time it looks like we had to report on one of the two books we read for Summer Reading. Final grade on the paper: unknown.

Letting The Cat out of the Bag

After reading Kurt Vonnegut’s Cat’s Cradle, the reader can come up with one possible assumption: Vonnegut is a lunatic. But after carefully examining the novel, it becomes clear that there is a definite method to his madness, and that he has succeeding in composing a brilliantly twisted story.

When I picked up this novel at “Borders,” I was prepared for another boring and slow summer-reading book, very typical of the Brandywine reading lists. However, from the first line on the first page, I knew this book was something different. The situation quickly changed from, “I’m reading this for School,” to “I’m reading this for me.” I can’t say the same thing about Jack London’s The Sea Wolf (also known as The Boring Wolf).

Possibly my favorite aspect of the story was Vonnegut’s mix of Satire and humorous irony with serious overtones. “Subsequent expeditions [to the island of San Lorenzo] came for gold and diamonds and rubies and spices, found none, burned a few natives for entertainment and heresy, and sailed on.” (Page 89). Satirical assertions like this mock our society and its stupid habits, something I really enjoyed reading about. It was really worthwhile reading because it contains many ideas and philosophies about life that are easy to remember.

Overall, it was a great book and I have no complaints.

Misleading Facts About Starbucks, Aliens, and My Genitals

I saw a Starbucks billboard that said something like, “FACT: Starbucks is the biggest purchaser of Fair Trade Coffee. Does that make us better? A little.”

At first I was impressed because hey, good job Starbucks! But then I realized they’re a huge corporation, a giant among all companies, surely a sun-eclipsing behemoth among their coffee competitors, so obviously they’re the biggest purchaser of fair trade coffee, even if they never made a conscious decision to do so. Starbucks, you can’t just go around posting things that sound impressive but come about naturally when you’re a big company. You might as well post a billboard saying, “FACT: Starbucks owns the most toilet plungers of any coffee company. Does that make us plungier? A little.”

Of course, this is only one way to mislead the masses with oblique but true statements. It’s like my grandfather always says, “FACT: more than half of the aliens in the movie Aliens were done with special effects.” It’s true, of course, but this framing implies that there’s a subset of aliens that are real. (wake up, Grandpa! They’re just puppets!)

And to all the single ladies reading this…
FACT: my penis is between 0 and 13 and a half inches in length.

Oldest Excuse in the Book

According to my friend’s vague pseudo-understanding of Catholicism, it’s important to hold on to your virginity if you want to become a female saint. For example, St. Catherine decided that she didn’t want an Earthly husband, so she had a vision where she went up in the sky to heaven and married the infant baby Jesus.

I bet all the Roman peasants were really annoyed after that happened, because they’d be on their fourth date with her, getting all frisky and what not, and she’d stop the action.

Catherine: “We can’t. I’m saving myself for the infant baby Jesus.”
Roman: “What?”
Catherine: “Sorry.”
Roman: “Wait. Saving yourself for what?”
Catherine: “You and I– we can’t have sex.”
Roman: “Because of…”
Catherine: “The infant baby Jesus.”
Roman: “…”
Catherine: “We’re married.”
Roman: “You have an infant baby husband?”
Catherine: “Infant baby JESUS husband, so….”
Roman: “But… he’s a baby.”
Catherine: “We’re married.”
Roman: “You can’t marry a baby.”
Catherine: “Well I had a vision, so…”
Roman: “But you can’t have sex with an infant baby.”
Catherine: “Not till I get to heaven, no.”
Roman: [Sigh]
Catherine: “I mean, you’re really nice and all…”
Roman: “Shut up. I just want to be absolutely clear on this: you’re telling me that we can’t have sex tonight, after I took you out to the coliseum, on this, our fourth date… because you’re saving your virginity until you get to heaven… so you can have sex with… the infant baby Jesus.”
Catherine: “Correct.”
Roman: “…”
Catherine: “I should have told you this up front.”
Roman: [Sigh]
Catherine: “What should we do?”
Roman: “Ok. Ok. Um… what about, like… a handey?”
Catherine: “I don’t think so, no.”
Roman: “I just remembered I have to work on the aqueduct tomorrow morning, really early. So you should, um… you should probably go.”

Yowza. No wonder Emperor Maxentius chopped off her head. Am I right, fellas?

Champagne For My Real Friends

Champagne for my real friends.
Real pain for my sham friends.
Sham-wow for my messy friends.

Oreos May Not Be Appropriate For an Encyclopedia

I just noticed that the Oreo wikipedia page contains a disclaimer that “this article may contain material not appropriate for an encyclopedia.” I’m curious as to why wikipedia draws the line of acceptability at Oreo cookies, when it allows articles like Jedi Census Phenomenon, Bioshock Original Soundtrack, Tickle Me Elmo, USS Enterprise (NCC-1701), List of Twilight Characters, and El Pollo Loco Advertising Campaigns.

Perspective

One way to think about perspective is to say, “What would an alien think of this?” For example, if an alien came into my bathroom and watched me brush my teeth, I bet it would wonder if the toothbrush was cleaning my teeth, or if my teeth were cleaning the toothbrush. It would have no way of knowing which point of view was correct. Unless the alien were a dentist alien, then it would probably know.

Awkward Dates and the Number of Wheels

When I’m the extra person on someone else’s date, I can never remember if I’m the “third wheel” or the “fifth wheel.” I guess it depends on their vehicle of choice. I wonder if truckers opt for the seldom-used “nineteenth wheel.”

I’m Being Sarcastic… NOT!

Tonight I accidentally watched So You Think You Can Dance. After one of the really dramatic performances, the girl judge was so overcome with emotion that she literally cried. And then, through the tears, she said in a super-sarcastic voice, “Well that was the worst dance of the night,” and everyone in the audience laughed, and then she leaned into her microphone and yelled, “NOT!”

It’s like, dude, we got it the first time. Your addendum is completely unnecessary.