On Popeyes’ Free Dipping Sauce Policy

On Popeyes’ Free Dipping Sauce Policy:

Popeyes makes delicious chicken strips. Tender white meat in a flaky crust? We all agree– a masterpiece in the quickserve industry. So what’s not to love? Their devastating dipping sauce policy, that’s what. They have a strict “three chicken fingers = one dipping sauce” limit. If I want to mix each bite in a delicious blend of barbeque and sweet-and-sour, I have to pay extra for two sauces. Damn you, Popeyes! Now you’ve made me dip my strips in the sauce of my tears.

I called Popeyes’ corporate office to inquire about my local franchise’s stinginess, but they confirmed a nationwide policy where three strips yields one free sauce. But you can get two free sauces if you order six chicken strips. Thank you, Popeyes, for that confirmation of your heartless greed.

But here’s where things get a little wonky. If you order nine chicken strips, Popeyes promises to give you four free dipping sauces, not three. Apparently the Popeyes sauce formula eschews the expected linear relationship in favor of more daring exponential growth. Many sensible members of society would presuppose that the amount of sauce per unit chicken stays constant as chicken approaches infinity. Not Popeyes. Popeyes’ headquarters is in an alternate universe where sauce consumption increases according to sauce=2^{(chicken/3)-1}

Popeyes, are you aware that a family meal of twelve strips now affords the customer eight free sauces? Do you understand how ugly things get around the 30 strip mark, where according to the very sauce policy you so royally fucked me with, you now have to offer me 512 free dipping sauces?

My point is, next time you go to Popeyes and you’re feeling sad because you ordered three strips and only got one free sauce, I say stick it to the man. Spend $130 and order 100 strips, then bankrupt your local Popeyes franchise by pulling out a calculator and demanding they give you 5.41×10⁹ dipping sauces.