My Life, The Spinoff

I like TV spinoffs. When our favorite show ends, we get to follow one character as tries something new. It’s just like real life. I’ve been part of some great things, from sports teams to jobs to relationships, and when each one ended I went onto something else, something different, usually something dumber. Most of the time my life took such a boring turn that I would have cancelled myself after a few episodes (E.g., one week I’m in an amazing cast of a play, the next week I’m playing Final Fantasy in my underpants). The point is, spinoffs capture that specific reality, the one TV and movies always ignore. Because we’re watching a movie that represents the most important part of these character’s lives, the aftermath must be less interesting by comparison.

When the friends on Friends went their separate ways, they ended a unique phase in their lives that will never be recreated. Joey went on to do something else, and it was dumb just like 99 percent of real life. The original show is the greatness, the Sports Illustrated cover–self-selected for it’s particular brand of awesomeness–and the spinoffs are the aftermath, the dullness, the regression to the mean.

We’ve got to fight to keep things interesting. Maybe if we constantly seek out new activities, new relationships, new friends, new “brands of awesome,” we can keep starring in our own original series and never have to look around at our boring lives and realize, “My God, I’m living in a shitty NBC spinoff.”

Hari Puttar Fans Rejoice!

Hari Puttar Fans Rejoice!

The Delhi High Court has ruled that the vile dementors — er, lawyers — at Warner Brothers can’t touch Hari Puttar, the Bollywood film about a boy named Hari whose dorky father calls him “Hari Puttar” (“Puttar” means “son” in Punjabi). WB first tipped the sacred cow of justice when they panicked that consumers would confuse Hari Puttar with the “well-known and well-loved Harry Potter brand,” but the judge ruled that confusion was unlikely, basically saying that kids who read Harry Potter aren’t morons.

The movie, which was originally slated for release on September 12, will open this Friday. With their legal hurdles safely cleared, Mirchi Movies, HP’s distributor, immediately green-lighted six sequels: Hari Puttar and the Chomper of Seek Rats, Hari Puttar and the Prisoner of Ajerbijan, Hari Puttar and the Goblin Afire, Hari Puttar and the Border of the Kleenex, Hari Puttar and the Half-Butt Prints, and Hari Puttar and the Deadly Shallows. (Spoiler alert: Frud Beazlie dies!)

The Lion, The Witch, The Wardrobe, and the Goddamn Moon

The Lion, The Witch, The Wardrobe, and the Goddamn Moon

INTERVIEWER: This is audio recording number 78 for Scotland Yard’s official investigation into the disappearance of Edmund Pevensie.
PETER: Poor Edmund.
INTERVIEWER: Tell us what happened. In your own words.
PETER: Yes, the idea was mine, sprouted forth from the heart, a message from my soul, and it screamed to me, “Peter, Peter!” and I said, “Yes?” and it was a bolt of lightning, the idea, which was this: we should play hide-and-go-seek! Ah-ha!
SUSAN: A wonderful idea!
PETER: Wasn’t it, Lucy? At first, I mean?
LUCY: …
PETER: You’re too young to smoke.
LUCY: Fuck off.
PETER: Put out that cigarette this instant!
LUCY: You can’t tell me what to do!
INTERVIEWER: Please, children– what happened next?
Peter: …
SUSAN: It was I who opened the wardrobe. I certainly didn’t expect to find furs and parkas hanging on those racks, no– fool me twice shame on me– but I presumed it would lead us to Narnia, what with the lamppost and all of that, but this was something else entirely.
PETER: It was a cold and desolate place, another realm under the icy grip of the White Queen.
LUCY: I was like, “listen fuckers, let’s just forget about this whole thing.” But why should anyone in this family listen to me? Oh, I know– maybe because I’m not a goddamn idiot?
PETER: As far as the eye could see there stretched the grey, grey rock upon which neither man nor beast had tread for a thousand of year. T’was truly a sublime sight.
LUCY: Yeah, it was the moon.
SUSAN: O moon!
PETER: Behold the noblest of all worlds! And praise be to Artemis, Goddess of the Moon, for she hath given us a new world to explore, and with the help of Asland, we would conquer it!
LUCY: Seriously, it’s the goddamn moon. There’s literally no air and the mean surface temperature must have been at least 250 degrees Fahrenheit. It was absolutely ridiculous for Edmund to think there’d be Turkish Delights on the moon.
SUSAN: That certainly could have gone better. Poor Edmund.
LUCY: Boom! His fuckin’ eyeballs exploded like Total Recall. Shit was crazy.
PETER: Surely Edmund isn’t really dead! Nay! He will soon rejoin us, alive and well… right? I mean… Asland said… he um… there is deeper magic from before the dawn of time… yeah?
LUCY: You guys are dicks. I’m telling Mrs. MacReady.

Living in the Now

I bought The Power of Now, a book about “living in the now, embracing the present moment, and finding happiness without obsessing over the future,” but I ordered it online so I guess I have to wait around like an IDIOT until the mailman brings it. I should have picked 2-day delivery so it would get here faster!!!

Five Haikus With Suspiciously Similar Endings

Five Haikus with Suspiciously Similar Endings

Great white monolith,
How you adorn our kitchen!
Refrigerator!

Mama always said,
“Don’t play in an abandoned
Refrigerator.”

So many questions!
Does your light ever turn off,
Refrigerator?

Cognates are the best!
Our French exchange student says,
“Réfrigérateur.”

Yes, it’s true. I’m rich.
My cousin Buster is poor.
He has an ice box.

A Few of Maria’s Least Favorite Things

A Few of Maria’s Least Favorite Things:

When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When she’s feeling sad
NBC canceling Freaks and Geeks
Hitting on 16 when the dealer shows a 7
Misuse of the word “literally”
The New England Patriots
Republicans
Uncle Max’s moustache

Why So Crazy, Coyotes?

I hear coyotes outside howling and barking like crazy every night. One time I went outside and yelled, “Why are you being so crazy, coyotes?!” They didn’t answer. They just kept barking. I felt kind of dumb. But then I thought, is there an answer they could have given that wouldn’t have made me feel dumb? What if they had come down from the hill and said, “You see, Nick, we like to be crazy and bark because we are dogs.” Boy, would I have felt dumb! In conclusion, I’m going to murder all the coyotes in my neighborhood with a gun.