Oldest Excuse in the Book

According to my friend’s vague pseudo-understanding of Catholicism, it’s important to hold on to your virginity if you want to become a female saint. For example, St. Catherine decided that she didn’t want an Earthly husband, so she had a vision where she went up in the sky to heaven and married the infant baby Jesus.

I bet all the Roman peasants were really annoyed after that happened, because they’d be on their fourth date with her, getting all frisky and what not, and she’d stop the action.

Catherine: “We can’t. I’m saving myself for the infant baby Jesus.”
Roman: “What?”
Catherine: “Sorry.”
Roman: “Wait. Saving yourself for what?”
Catherine: “You and I– we can’t have sex.”
Roman: “Because of…”
Catherine: “The infant baby Jesus.”
Roman: “…”
Catherine: “We’re married.”
Roman: “You have an infant baby husband?”
Catherine: “Infant baby JESUS husband, so….”
Roman: “But… he’s a baby.”
Catherine: “We’re married.”
Roman: “You can’t marry a baby.”
Catherine: “Well I had a vision, so…”
Roman: “But you can’t have sex with an infant baby.”
Catherine: “Not till I get to heaven, no.”
Roman: [Sigh]
Catherine: “I mean, you’re really nice and all…”
Roman: “Shut up. I just want to be absolutely clear on this: you’re telling me that we can’t have sex tonight, after I took you out to the coliseum, on this, our fourth date… because you’re saving your virginity until you get to heaven… so you can have sex with… the infant baby Jesus.”
Catherine: “Correct.”
Roman: “…”
Catherine: “I should have told you this up front.”
Roman: [Sigh]
Catherine: “What should we do?”
Roman: “Ok. Ok. Um… what about, like… a handey?”
Catherine: “I don’t think so, no.”
Roman: “I just remembered I have to work on the aqueduct tomorrow morning, really early. So you should, um… you should probably go.”

Yowza. No wonder Emperor Maxentius chopped off her head. Am I right, fellas?